| A N N A R B O R I S O V E R R A T E D . (a blog.) |
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And, superfluously, later in the story: "Kane grew up in Ann Arbor and refers to the city in her stories." It's like New York-themed establishments that try to appropriate some of the city's glamour by naming things after 42nd Street or the Bowery. Except the glamour chased after here is Ann Arbor's. It's hard to maintain my extreme negativity in the face of this kind of pure, guileless civic pride. Oh, and the Ypsilanti Busch's does not label its aisles. I'm not sure what that says about either city. Also, I'm told that, in my rush to condemn, I overlooked Ann Arbor's preeminence as a source of hallucinogenics. I'll defer to my correspondent here. To be fair, said reader made a good case for A^2 as a great place to hang out if you're stuck in the state anyway. She goes on to argue that "Ypsilanti is not well-known outside of this region," which is clearly wrongheaded; as my old boss out East once said, "Isn't that the place that's spelled with a 'y' in the wrong place?" So the obvious solution is not, as Morgan suggests, to "leverage [Ann Arbor's] recognition to promote Ypsilanti," which would serve only to put more Cosi sandwich shops on Michigan Avenue. It is to use the latter's bizarre spelling and rolls-off-the-tongue pronunciation to achieve a Kalamazoo-esque fame. As Slate recently pointed out, and Noam Chomsky agreed, Kalamazoo is a "one-word joke." But it's played out, having been mentioned in Dr. Seuss' I Can Read With My Eyes Shut, for example, years ago. Ypsilanti could be the new answer to Kalamazoo, the fresh choice when you need a comical-sounding Michigan town reference to liven up a dreary essay. Take note, snotty Eastern alternative-weekly writers.
By the way, I am not as miserable as the last entry suggests. Why, in short, can't everyone be as miserable here as I am? The item finishes with a trenchant inquiry: "Who was the joker who named the Technology Center? With tenants like Bodies in Balance, the Ann Arbor Symphony Orchestra and Clancy's Fancy hot sauce, what exactly was so technological about it?" Ann Arbor Sucks is thrilled to welcome Larry King as the latest columnist at The Ann Arbor News. 1) Outdoorsy 'outfitters' that sell tote bags with slogans about how traveling is a tough job, but someone has to do it, preferably a someone in his or her forties and shod in $200 Mephisto walking shoes. 2) Logo-sweatshirt emporia. 3) Would-be trendy boutiques that carry no more than fifteen items at a time. 4) Purveyors of comfortable quasi-hippie separates, distinguished by absent waistlines, for the discerning earth mother. I believe there are only two shops of type 3) downtown, but many more of type 4) in Kerrytown (don't get me started on Kerrytown) alone. Of course, the fact that this is what passes for fashion around here only makes this place even more of a national treasure for the "i'd rather be in ann arbor" bumper sticker crowd whose Volvos take up all the good spots at Whole Foods. Someone please tell me so I can be prepared next time. Sure, you played far too much jazz and Broadway music, but you had the right spirit. You are where I met that friend of a friend who completely blew me off over e-mail later when I first moved here, and you were there when I needed to look vaguely aloof while reading papers. Now you are a full-service restaurant, with waiters and waitresses. Maybe I'll bring my grandma for brunch next time she's in town. Consider the top story of the The Ann Arbor News' most recent free weekly. It is a piece about a woman who owns many colorful hats. Complete with a headline that makes reference to "hat couture," it keeps up the tone of the small-town newspaper throughout, preparing the reader for police reports of a dog who's been attacking woodchucks. The "hat lady," as she is known, says that, when you wear a hat, "you take on the personality of that hat." She wears flowered hats in spring and straw ones in the summer. The story concludes by noting her fondness for collecting rocks. "They make me feel connected on a spiritual level with nature," she says. 1. Everything closes at 6 p.m. Special new summer hours make it near impossible to read papers while sitting in a coffeehouse. There's no one to provide atmosphere while you're doing so except for other freaky grad students like yourself anyway. 2. If you do stick around, you'll be assumed to be a freaky grad student. On the other hand, there are some reasons why being in Ann Arbor may be the best of all possible worlds. 1. Your friends in that other city you lived in? You'd be having the best time with them right now if it weren't for the fact that you're stuck in Ann Arbor, since you're so incredibly popular in your old city. You'd be going out with them every night, or maybe just staying in your apartment, which has become a sort of literary salon for those in the know. It would be just like last sum...oh, wait. 2. There are plenty of shows going on, since to have it otherwise would be to admit that people are on the U-M calendar. Which is not cool. EMU is okay, Wayne State is okay, dropped-out-of-State-and-working-at-ERC is okay. But not the 'U.' If you go there, at least have the decency to post to your favorite indie/hardcore list with your Hotmail account. 3. Your landlady's painter's band is playing the Lager House sometime soon. Unfortunately, the closest grocery store is a few miles away from my house. That leaves me with the People's Food Co-op, which doesn't carry aluminum foil, the gourmet market in Kerrytown, which I assume doesn't carry aluminum foil (platinum foil, maybe) and a little convenience store that does happen to have aluminum foil, but has virtually no other groceries that don't have hydrogenated vegetable oil or high fructose corn syrup in the top two ingredients. There are three New Age candle stores within close walking distance of my house. After living here about nine months, I feel that I'm ideally qualified to report on the lameness of Ann Arbor (or A^2, if you're one of those locals who insists on this cutesy, gag-inducing nickname. That's pronounced "A squared.") Why? I've been around just long enough to absorb the soulless, yuppified, no-fun atmosphere, but not long enough to forget why these things are wrong. |